You Were Thusly Informed....Again!!

In early September I put out this tweet:

Now I just give away great info like your mum gives away STD's, and you would think that any replies I got would of been thanking me for breaking ground right? Well just like any Nelson Mandela jokes I could make right now, WRONG! The kind of tweets I got we're similar to the messages I get after a first date. "You're an idiot!", "Fuckin' moron", "No I don't want to smell your fingers!" Etc. They were adamant Reedy would never go back to Kawi and would probably end up on KTM. The dumb fucks probably think that KTM's, like Chad are built in Australia. So last week this photo surfaces from the TwoTwo camp. "What bike is that?" I hear you say. It's a fucking Kawasaki bitches! Suck on that. So what's the lesson here? I'm great? You should always listen to me? I finger chicks every god damn day? Or just all of the above. Boo yah!

Anaheim 2 - Windham Retires! Nothing Else Matters

So last week I rolled up to Dodgers Stadium in LA ready to get my teeth into some Monster girls (and by teeth I mean fingers!) and supercross. Only to be told that it had been moved to Anaheim as LA deemed themselves too cool for supercross. Fuckers! So I was forced to fly home and watch the broadcasts on my laptop in the snowy surrounds of London. Here's what happened:

250SX

Sipes and Davalos battle like ex lovers through their heat race, switching the lead several times. Neither fair as well in the main with The 'human dart' (see Phoenix post) taking 12th and Sipes being taken out early resulting in a DNF

Savatgy takes out half the field and himself on the first lap of the main. Way to go Rookie.

The To-minator (oh yeah, I'm stickin' with it) is Ridonkulously good! His move around the outside of Seely is so sick it shouldbe given the key to the city, a day named after it and a parade in its honour. Three races done, three races won for Tomac, like a boss!

Roczen has won three races this year, unfortunately they're only heat races. You need to step it up K-Roc to stop Tomac! What would John Connor do? Terminator reference, get it? You should.....dick.

Osbornes shoulder is still hurt but his results have been kissed better. 4th for Zachy Poo and a podium this week in Oakland. Tell your friends, that just happened!

Remember last year when Rattray was leading the points after the first few races? Yeah that's not happening in 2013. 8th for the former world champ.

After grabbing the Holeshot, Cole Seely gets passed by a robot and a German but holds on for 3rd. Apparently Cole used up all of his charisma in his riding as his podium interview is so bad that even Dungey would kick it to the curb.


1. E. Tomac
2. K. Roczen
3. C. Seely
4. Z. Osborne
5. J. Canada
6. C. Craig
7. J. Anderson
8. T. Rattray
9. K. Cunningham
10. J. Nelson
11. M. Stewart
12. M. Davalos
13. T. Baker
14. D. Tedder
15. S. Champion
16. D. Epstein
17. M. Anstie
18. M. Leib
19. R. Sipes
20. J. Savatgy

450SX

KEVIN WINDHAM RETIRES!!! K-Dub rides one practice and then calls it a career. Supercross will never quite be the same. I understand if you don't read past this, I mean what's the point anymore. 


For the second week in a row Dungey gets caught in a tangle and goes down in his heat. His main event doesn't get much better as he gets a Larocco start and only scrapes a 6th.

Weimer holeshots and leads Canard for a lap or two before fading back to 5th. Expect a lot of 5ths from Weimer this year.

Over one of the triples, Barcia comes up shorter than a dwarf with no legs. He decides to blame his handle bar crossbar pad and gives it a swift head butt leaving the pad to tell its friends, "you should see the other bloke".

Millsaps is a new guy this year and I like it. Aggressive but smooth riding although doing his impression of a speedway rider causes Millsaps to go down and lose a podium position. The 18 is still leading the points chase though, but for how long?

Ryan Villopoto is back! The dude goes round corners as fast as a motherfucker! 1st win of the season and definitely won't be the last.

After announcing that he has a Torn ACL, James Stewart still comes out to race. Probably shouldn't  though, Stewie slides out and ends up in 12th. No TV time for JS7.

Reed is back on the podium and the smug look is back on his face.

1. R. Villopoto

2. T. Canard
3. C. Reed
4. D. Millsaps
5. J. Weimer
6. R. Dungey
7. A. Short
8. J. Brayton
9. M. Goerke
10. J. Grant
11. B. Tickle
12. J. Stewart
13. W. Peick
14. M. Alessi
15. K. Chisholm
16. V. Friese
17. C. Blose
18. R. Kiniry
19. M. Lemoine
20. J. Barcia

Phoenix - The Justin Barcia Show

So with Phoenix in the books, I'm here to wade in with my take on the nights events. I know you didn't ask for it but I'm giving it to you anyway, so pipe the fuck down. 

250 SX

• Tomac is once again the man! In both the heat and main he comes from inside the top 10 to take over the lead and put on a school for every one else. All boss like. 
• New boy, Joey Savatgy, shows the crowd his balls and takes it Tomac in the heat until the To-minator (oh yeah, you can have that one for free) punts young Joe off the track and into second. Savatgy then goes on to grab a 9th in the main. Expect more from this kid in the next few weeks.
• Blake Bagget sits Phoenix out with a broken wrist. Mitch thinks he's a pussy.
• In the 2nd heat, Davalos has a crash so scary that chuck norris would have liquid adrenaline running down his leg. He still gets up and posts podium ride in the main. Solidude!
• Ralph, Ricky and Jeff seem to have trouble distinguishing which TLD rider is which. Way to earn those big fat TV paychecks guys. But then hey even the AMA had trouble the week before when they gave Nelsons holeshot award to Seely.
• Jason Anderson fails to make the main and therefore loses his 4th spot in the championship. That's a fail bro.
• Jake Canada forgets to put his eject system into his helmet and just gets it on as the gate drops. He gets black flagged for not doing his chin strap up. That's an epic fail.
• Ken Roczen is second to Tomac once again. All Ken needs is the start an I think he'll be all set. He needs to get it done to stop Eli having a perfect season.

450 SX

• Justin Barcia is not scared. Not scared one bit! The kid goes out, wins his heat, then holeshots the main and checks out for the win. In a field containing Villopoto, Stewart, Dungey, Reed, and Canard I suppose that's ok. Then just to put point to it, he's so chilled in his interviews. You just one a fuckin' 450 supercross brah! Get fuckin' pumped for the sluts!
• Villopoto has a better night than the opener, still goes down in the main, but pulls faster lap times than particles in the large hadron collider to pull back to 2nd.
• Dungey has a nightmare. Crashes into a camera in his heat, gets beat by Ronnie Mac in his heat (killer air wheelie  bro)  and then goes down in the first turn of the main and can only manage 8th. The only person more pissed than ryan is Carmichael who pretty much has a hissy fit in the booth.
• Canard has lock on the red plate (he's already got the red hair) until he does his best RV impression and goes down handing the points lead and 3rd to Millsaps who has another stella ride.
• Mike Alessi notches up his second 20th place finish in as many races. Tony is Pissed!
• Josh Hanson was benched by his team for Phoenix for either his on track actions last week or for his god awful number font he was sporting in Anaheim.
• Stewarts bad knee is confirmed, still doesn't stop him winning his heat. Only a 7th in the main. Meaning his gear new 7 gear is a lot better looking than his title chances.

So there it is, make sure you chew it before you spit it out! 

Anaheim I - Curveballs, Crashes and Last Lap Passes

So there we have it folks, it appears Anaheim 1 just wanted to bend me over a barrel and do me pulp fiction style. In my look at the contenders earlier this week I said that Villopoto would most likely win and that we wouldn't be thrown the curve ball that the openers often throw out. How wrong was I? The ball didn't just curve in the air it zig zagged back and forth before I hitting us square in the happy sacks. But hey, i'm not bitter. Here's my take on it all;


250SX

• Jesse nelson grabs a thumb-less fist full of throttle and grabs the holeshot before endo-ing and face planting into the first rhythm section.
• Tomac moves into the lead and shows everyone that the #1 plate he has is not just a clever ruse to get chicks. Dude kills it for the win.
• Ken Roczen follows Tomac in second  for the entire race. Steady and efficient. I know, i know, German jokes are so 1939-45.
• Christian Craig battles with Rattray before sliding out like a morning turd after curry night, way to easy.
• The battle of year takes place (premature? Maybe, but that's my style)  for 6th with Rattray, Cunningham, Sipes, Baker, Anstie and Leib all trying to break the record for the number of motorcycles within an 8ft area.
• In his first outing for the Geico Honda Team, Zach Osbourne gets bumped off the start, goes down in the first corner and then proceeds to pass every one outside the top 6 including Leib, Anstie, and Rattray on the last few laps. Anyone would think Mike Larocco was his team manager.
• Seely has a quiet 3rd, it's all good though, dude is gonna pick up a win or two this year, plus a few ratchets along the way. You can stamp that.
• Davalos wins his heat but then doesn't place in the main. Shocker! Mitch regrets the signing already
• Malcolm is the highest placing Stewart in the mains with a 5th.
• Baggett has a nightmare. Gets caught up in Nelson's crash, and then proceeds to remind everyone that his OUTDOOR skills are the reason he has a Pro Circuit ride on route to 14th?! Ouch!

1. Eli Tomac
2. Ken Roczen
3. Cole Seely
4. Jason Anderson
5. Malcolm Stewart
6. Ryan Sipes
7. Zach Osbourne
8. Tyla Rattray
9. Max Anstie
10. Michael Leib

450SX

• Millsaps Wins!? Hang on wait a minute I have to check the results again.......No he did, seriously! Holeshot, got passed, then got the lead back on the last lap! Fuckin' stellar ride by the #18.
• Somebody took a shit on Villopoto's salad. RV had a McGrath '97 opener style ride. Crashed three times and ended up way down the standings (16th) Could be the curse of the fashion haircut. Concentrate on the riding Ryan not you're looks, Chicks dig trophies.
• Where were Stewart and Reed? I watched the TV broadcast and still had to check if they finished. Looks like you used up all your TV time on bubba's world hey James?
• Wiemer and Short end up in 5th and 6th and get even less coverage.
• Alessi gets block passed by a tuff block and goes out.
• Canard is the fucking man and almost wins it (god damn you Davi and sorry  for my blasphemy Trey). Look out for a proper title challenge from Canard! #Reviv41
• Dungey and Barcia both go down (like your mum!) in the closing stages of the race. The Dunge still manages to get on the podium just because he can.

1. Davi Millsaps
2. Trey Canard
3. Ryan Dungey
4. Chad Reed
5. Jake Weimer
6. Andrew Short
7. Justin Barcia
8. James Stewart
9. Justin Brayton
10. Kevin Windham

Done and done!

A Look at the Anaheim I Contenders

In the words of Biff Tannen, "well looky what we have here." That's right people just like a bad case of chlamydia I'm back to give you my two pence (that's our version of cents for my american friends) on the contenders that will be lining up on the gate for Anaheim 1 for round 1 of Monster Energy Supercross this weekend, and who could walk away with every chick in the stadium imagining getting 'white roosted' in the face by the guy who takes home the 1st place trophy. You know you've all been waiting for this. Enjoy.


THE BIG 5?

#1 Ryan Villopoto (Monster Energy Kawasaki) - Where better to start than with the current Supercross Champ. He showed everyone and their dog that he still has the pace of a gazelle whose been "training" with Lance Armstrong at the Monster Cup, even if that appearance did end prematurely.  RV is always the man to beat and will be again this weekend, I don't even think we will even be thrown the curve ball (that's a baseball reference for all my British friends) winner that the opening round occasionally tosses us (Tortelli, Albee, Grant) while everyone settles into new teams, bikes and Monster girls. I can totally see Villopoto just laying the beat down on everyone like we all used to do to the ginger kid at school. Oh how the tables have turned.

#5 Ryan Dungey (Redbull KTM) - Dungey is Mr Consistency and yes I know that term gets thrown about more than a Midget at a dwarf tossing contest but I mean it, Dungey is always right there. He may not quite be able to match the speed of a Stewart or a Villopoto but just one slip up and Dungey is ready to pounce like Saville on a children's hospital ward patient. As long as KTM have gone back to foot operated gear levers, then he's in with a shot.

"Fourth gear is around here somewhere"

#7 James Stewart (Yoshimura Suzuki) - Lock up your photographers, JS7 is back along with the swarm of questions that hover around him. "Can he still win?", "Will he be better on the Suzuki", "Was the Yamaha the problem", "Does he shave his junk?". All we can really do is wait and see. For me I think he'll be the same James Stewart we all know and love/hate. All I'm saying is at one point during the night, he WILL set the fastest lap time, but there is also a good chance of him trying to get to third base with a tuff block.

#22 Chad Reed (Team TwoTwo Honda) - From what I've seen so far, it seems Chad Reed's off season training has consisted of karting and some lower tier (compared with the US anyway) supercross in Oz. Sounds like the regime of a certain #377 (he who shall not be named) who used to just ride his jet-ski for training. Prick! Time to step it up Reedy. However, saying that every time you think this motherfucker can't win, the guy comes out and makes every girl, and even some guys damp as he puts it up there (I'm talking about the podium you sick freak!) He will definitely win a couple of races later in the season but I don't think he'll win right off the bat. I say this but then you always have to remember, don't ever count him out, he's Chad F'n Reed!

#41 Trey Canard (American Honda) - That's right, I'm putting Trey up here in the big 5. I really think he can come back to where he was in 2011 and win some races. Maybe its because he helped me rip on my brother when I went to San Diego, maybe its because his riding style is so sexy that I want to ask its father for it's hand in marriage, but I just think the kid has serious skills, if he stays healthy. Plus with "Our Lord and Saviour" Jesus Christ manning his pit board, there's nothing he can't do.

THE ROOKIE

#51 Justin Barcia (American Honda) - After showing everyone what the fuck was up at the Monster Energy Cup, many are tipping Bam Bam for some wins this season and I'm one of those many (truth be told I probably said it first, cos I'm the balls yo!). He could well come out with his dick swinging and take it to the five riders above, but I get the feeling Stewie and Poto will beat him into submission this weekend leaving him to jostle with Reed and Canard to be the first of the Red Riders to finish.

THE OLD GUY

#14 Kevin Windham (Geico Honda) - Windham will NOT win Anaheim 1, there I said it. Don't get me wrong, if he did I would lose my shit! Maybe later in the season (never count him out of Vegas) but not yet.

THE REST

#10 Justin Brayton (Joe Gibbs Racing Yamaha) - Real tree is back on the JGR Yamaha after a one and done at Factory Honda. Expect some top 5's as he tries to pull out some of his old arena cross style to gain the title of 'The Best of The Rest'.

What is this? 2011?!

#12 Jake Wiemer (Monster Energy Kawasaki) - Trains with Villopoto, dresses like Stewart. Jake will be sniffing at the podium like a dog around a crotch. Down boy!

#18 Davi Millsaps (Rockstar Suzuki) - If I told you Millsaps finished 2nd in the series last year you'd probably tell me to go fuck myself. Seriously look it up!

#20 Broc Tickle (RCH Suzuki) - Under the wing (chicken wing by the looks of it) of 'Fatty' Carmichael, Broc should surely win every race this season. More likely his Supercross results will be mediocre but he will shine when the outdoors arrives.

Tickle is under the guidence of the BLOAT, I mean GOAT.

#29 Andrew Short (Chapparral Honda) - Shorty is the proverbial 'Mr Nice Guy' of the 450 class and where do nice guys finish? About 6-10th.

#800 Mike Alessi (Moto Concepts 450, cough Suzuki.) - Ahahahahahahahahaha contender.

Hawkstone Hill On A Push Bike! Are You Fucking Serious?

Have you ever been so scared that you lost control of your bowels and just parked the fudge right there and then on the spot? This guy has no clue what that's like, not one bit. I can't quite decide if this guy is imensly stupid or a fucking hero! I mean theres no way he ever thought "you know what I should get some good launch at the bottom and just land it to flat" but fuck it, he just grabs his sack and does his best Wright brothers impression just to impress some paddock bitches in the hope to slip them a digit later in the back of his Saxo. I'm pretty sure I'd let him finger me after this, Hawkstone hill is no fucking joke. Amazing! You're right mate, "he has got some bottle", they're the empty Jagermeister one's he drank on the way to the top of the hill. Boss like!

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX2 Top Ten From Loket

Well its been a while since my last post but all I can say is, a lot of mums need servicing (yours especially). So here's what I took from this weeks Czech Gp. Enjoy.

1. Jeffrey Herlings (NED, KTM) - On the way to a dominant 1-1 ride, the Dutch douchelord Received a love tap from searle, some help from his KTM boyfriend and will most likely be receiving some bottles to the helmet in the Uk in a couple of weeks.

2. Tommy Searle (GBR, Kawasaki) - Can't help but feel that the championship is slipping away from Tommy. Expect more attempts on Herlings over the coming weeks.

3. Zachary Osborne (USA, Yamaha) - Good to see Zachy Poo back on the podium.

4. Jake Nicholls (GBR, KTM) - would have been better to see Jakey up there. I told you moto podium was coming soon, I'm like nosferatu (that's the beardy guy who predicts shit right?)

5. Romain Febvre (FRA, KTM) - impressed me and no doubt some Czech chicks with his rides this weekend. Got Laid?

6. Valentin Teillet (FRA, Kawasaki) - Back from injury, back in the top 10. Really feel this guy will be a contender next year.

7. Max Anstie (GBR, Honda) - Max must be wishing he was back on the kawi and back in the top 5.

8. Joel Roelants (BEL, Kawasaki) - Roelants had a nightmare day. #Hatesmotocross.

9. Jose Butron (ESP, KTM) - Good starts before fading like some cheap curtains. Still good year for the spaniard so far.

10. Jeremy van Horebeek (BEL, KTM) - Herlings BFF suffered a DNF and was all OMG then let the 84 passed in the 2nd moto. WTF?!