Hawkstone Hill On A Push Bike! Are You Fucking Serious?

Have you ever been so scared that you lost control of your bowels and just parked the fudge right there and then on the spot? This guy has no clue what that's like, not one bit. I can't quite decide if this guy is imensly stupid or a fucking hero! I mean theres no way he ever thought "you know what I should get some good launch at the bottom and just land it to flat" but fuck it, he just grabs his sack and does his best Wright brothers impression just to impress some paddock bitches in the hope to slip them a digit later in the back of his Saxo. I'm pretty sure I'd let him finger me after this, Hawkstone hill is no fucking joke. Amazing! You're right mate, "he has got some bottle", they're the empty Jagermeister one's he drank on the way to the top of the hill. Boss like!

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX2 Top Ten From Loket

Well its been a while since my last post but all I can say is, a lot of mums need servicing (yours especially). So here's what I took from this weeks Czech Gp. Enjoy.

1. Jeffrey Herlings (NED, KTM) - On the way to a dominant 1-1 ride, the Dutch douchelord Received a love tap from searle, some help from his KTM boyfriend and will most likely be receiving some bottles to the helmet in the Uk in a couple of weeks.

2. Tommy Searle (GBR, Kawasaki) - Can't help but feel that the championship is slipping away from Tommy. Expect more attempts on Herlings over the coming weeks.

3. Zachary Osborne (USA, Yamaha) - Good to see Zachy Poo back on the podium.

4. Jake Nicholls (GBR, KTM) - would have been better to see Jakey up there. I told you moto podium was coming soon, I'm like nosferatu (that's the beardy guy who predicts shit right?)

5. Romain Febvre (FRA, KTM) - impressed me and no doubt some Czech chicks with his rides this weekend. Got Laid?

6. Valentin Teillet (FRA, Kawasaki) - Back from injury, back in the top 10. Really feel this guy will be a contender next year.

7. Max Anstie (GBR, Honda) - Max must be wishing he was back on the kawi and back in the top 5.

8. Joel Roelants (BEL, Kawasaki) - Roelants had a nightmare day. #Hatesmotocross.

9. Jose Butron (ESP, KTM) - Good starts before fading like some cheap curtains. Still good year for the spaniard so far.

10. Jeremy van Horebeek (BEL, KTM) - Herlings BFF suffered a DNF and was all OMG then let the 84 passed in the 2nd moto. WTF?!

Destin Cantrell Whips It, Whips It Good.

Destin Cantrell here, with a whip so big your mum could use it as a butt plug, still wouldn't touch the sides. No jokes though, this whip is huge. I love the way how he just lets it flow before he pulls the bike back like your dog sniffing a friends crotch, and just rounds it off to come in sweet as a nut. Not bad for a guy who has two strippers first names as his name. Devo fan are we?

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX2 From St. Jean D'Angely

1. Jeffrey Herlings (NED, KTM) - His move on Tonus actually made me sick in my mouth, probably the same reaction Tonus had when his sister told him she was dating the Dutch douchelord. He should have been docked and i'm not just talking points.

2. Tommy Searle (GBR, Kawasaki) - Edged out on the Start in the first race, balls out in the second. the guy is a fucking work horse.


3. Jeremy van Horebeek (BEL, KTM) - Herlings and Van Der Beek are BFF's. The guy might as well held up a pit board saying "go get Searle!" as he waved the #84 through in the second moto.


4. Joel Roelants (BEL, Kawasaki) - With van der Beek grabbing the 3rd place someone had to be 4th. Who better?


5. Jordi Tixier (FRA, KTM) - First of the French on home soil to get shit done. Loving it more than he did Brazil that's for sure.


6. Valentin Teillet (FRA, Kawasaki) - Love this guy. Looks fresh, rides like a pro, gets blown by pretty much any chick at the races. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....Solidemec.


7. Jake Nicholls (GBR, KTM) - 10-8 for 7th overall. Expect a top 5 soon! Don't let me down Jakey.


8. Max Anstie (GBR, Honda) - Remember when Max's was pretty much a top 5 guy each weekend? Yeah that was last year, get with the now!


9. Petar Petrov (BUL, Suzuki) - Banging result for the Bulgarian. First top 10 of his career, first time taking a girl home from the race too I'm guessing. 


10. Romain Febvre (FRA, KTM) - Who?

Bro Gets Owned By The Snow

What a prick! That is all.

The Lowdown From A Practice Track (Milton Park)

To start let me get one thing off my chest. Milton Park is a practice track, nothing more! You can try and get people amped by saying it's one of Britains 'premier' circuits, but in reality Hawkstone, Lyng and Desertmartin would beat the Northamptonshire track into a coma! The riders knew it, the spectators knew it, hell the organisers probably knew it. But the track is owned by the ACU so I think we'll be making an annual trip there for years to come.

With that said I rolled up to Milton Park on Sunday morning and found my self parked behind the Karro army who were all ready in full swing beering down in the car park. I then strolled into the pit area and headed to the Maxxis hospitality unit (they know what's up) where I spent most of the day getting a killer view of the track while the Maxxis girls eye fucked the shit out of me. The race format took a slight twist with the two classes running two motos each and then a combined MX1 and MX2 race at the end where the top 20 from each class did battle, 1995 style. Here's what I saw from my vantage point:

MX2

• Mr EBB was on fucking fire! Cleaned up in both MX2 motos and then finished 6th in the mixed race (is that PC?) Dude took home the red plate to go with the one his team mate has....oh wait....
• Pocock had a nightmare day (8th overall). Guy got docked (haha) a minute in qualifying for stopping on the track, and a crash in the second race meant he lost the red plate. Still got his red hair though, no one's challenging him for that.
• Bradshaw was doing his usual. Doin' work!
• Aubin gets 3rd overall despite a DNF in the last race? Considering he went of the side of one of the step downs in the last race, he'll take it.......like your mum (sorry couldn't help it). 
• Cottrell was a solid(ude) top ten guy, I told you it was coming.
• Ray Rowson is back! 7th overall for the former schoolboy champ.
• A Scotsman, a Frenchman and an Irishman sounds like a bad joke. Mackenzie, Lenoir and Irwin take 4th, 5th, and 6th overall.
• One of the TMC honda rider's was running purple rims to try and make his bike not look like the Sarah Jessica Parker of motocross bikes. Epic fail bro! #Fugly

1	44	Elliott Banks Browne (KTM)
2	272	Neville Bradshaw (Honda)
3	131	Nicolas Aubin (Honda)
4	121	Bryan MacKenzie (KTM)
5	685	Steven Lenoir (Yamaha)
6	5	Graeme Irwin (Yamaha)
7	111	Ray Rowson (Kawasaki)
8	119	Mel Pocock (Yamaha)
9	711	James Cottrell (Honda)
10	9	Stuart Edmonds (Suzuki)

MX1

• Karro pretty much pulled out his junk and slapped every other rider around the face with it. Dude was fastest in qualifying, goes 1-1-1, and earned the red plate. The Latvians were loving life and supplied the car park with some euro beat for celebration. Alloy shirts all round.
• Josh Coppins made a return to British motocross and picked up 3rd overall. Sweet as Brew!
• Simpson was doing it for the Brits by being solid(ude) as a motherfucker!
• Mark DeReuver didn't have the best day, he even joined the 'side panels can go fuck themselves' club that seems to be so popular this year.
• Strij-like-a-bos hates hard pack and Karro.
• This was one of the tracks that Whatley really impressed me at last year. Not even a semi this time around.
• More of the East Coast crew were in full effect with Aston Bird and Luke Benstead both going balls out for point scoring rides. That's how we roll in the ass end of England.

1	91	Matiss Karro (Kawasaki)
2	24	Shaun Simpson (Yamaha)
3	9	Joshua Coppins (Yamaha)
4	8	Stephen Sword (Suzuki)
5	227	Kristian Whatley (Honda)
6	37	Gert Krestinov (Honda)
7	25	Jamie Law (KTM)
8	22	Kevin Strijbos (KTM)
9	31	Alex Snow (Kawasaki)
10	50	Martin Barr (Kawasaki)

Lots Of Moto Jazz For You All.

The blog has been a bit thin recently I know, but hey, that's what happens when you're a man in demand like me, all I can ask is that your patient and ask your mums to stop calling me. So what I'm going to lay down here is one big ass blog post on shit that has gone down in the moto world and what could very well be the shit we is talking about next week. As MC Hammer once said "School's in suckas!" 

Mexico GP - What the fuck was this?! Everything about this race made it look like a joke and not even a funny one. It was pretty much a racial slurr on the motocross world. Dead bodies found near the track, Peoples gear, passports and money stolen, crap TV coverage, plus the whole "it's too dusty we're not going to ride the qualifying races as you pay us jack shit" thang that went down on Saturday. Good work Youthstream you cunt's! (C-bomb time check: 10:38am).

Philly was loving Mexico more than me, and most others.

Michael Lieb was one of only two riders that went out for the qualifying race, a move that disgusted the other riders so much so that a Lieb recieved constant flip offs from Clement Desalle and was even spat on by at least two other riders, including, (so i'm told) Max Anstie. C'mon guys, spitting should only be done by girls in 'jizz flicks' onto some guys wood or each others mouths (yeah you like that bitch?). Just sayin, get it together jackholes. All in all, Fuck Mexico!

Read my Breakdowns of the top 10's here: MX1   MX2

Qualifying gets underway in Guadalajara

Brazil - The track and general facility looked the absoulute tits! I was getting fed up of the tweets and comments from people about how 'Youthstream had fucked up by going to South America', now don't get me wrong, as you've just read, Mexico should have be aborted with a rusty coat hanger but for me the Brazil set up was amazing, it was just let down by the weather which as we all know can bitch slap the most organised of motocross races. Plus you know there was just loads of chicks getting their 'brazillians' out for any rider. As I said before "Chicks dig moto" Ticket's booked for next year.

Searle =Boss of Brazil

Too much?

Read my Breakdowns of the top 10's here: MX1   MX2

Switching stateside:
Hangtown happened and Stewie goes 1-1. (I guess GoPro aren't paying him as much for outdoors) So, lets just recap some comments people have batting around like swingball (remember that? what a game!) about his performance up until Hang town.

• "He's not race fit" - The Guy went 1-1 in two 30 minute motos! At the pace he was running, thats some fucking stamina right there. Guess again.
• "It's not the Yamaha it's him" - Yamaha 0 Suzuki 1-1
• "His hearts not in it" - He could have just sat out and collected a JGR pay check so fat it doesn't take it's shirt off to go swimming, but chose to forgo all that and ride for Suzuki for not much dollar. Riding for not much money? ......insert mum joke here......
• "RV, Reed and Dungey have just stepped it up" - Sure RV and Reed aren't out there so its hard to get a reading on how it COULD have gone, but then did Dungey REALLY pressure him all day? I think James had him handled, even think he could have turned it up to 11 if needed. Maybe we should ask Jason THOMAS, he got a CLOSE look. Sorry I got a bit crazy with the capitals there.

Dude was looking fresh in some new Answer gear. Look like a boss, ride like a boss! 

While Kawasaki was tearing it up in Brazil, they weren't having the best time in Sacremento. Rattray, who was riding Villopotos ride, went out after just a few laps after receiving a rock to the hand. Man up bro! You're in the 450's now, not that pussy ass lites shit. Broken hands are a standard. Dean Wilson's title defence was, just like me, finished before it even got started. Due to premature dislocation Deano will be forced to have surgery and sit out the rest of the outdoor season. Mofo will be back swinging for supercross though. Baggett did pull a bit of pride back for Kawi running 1-1 in the lites, with one of his "I'm just going to sit here in the top 10 for the first half of the race and then I'm just going to go faster than a bastard to take the lead on the last lap" rides in the first moto. Guy's a fuckin' player! Mitch will be feeding him Viagra to make him keep it up longer this year.

Oh and one more piece of breaking news! Zach Osborne will be riding for Geico Honda in 2013. Fuck yeah bro, fucking deserved. As long as he stays healthy in the off season, Zachy poo will win which ever coast he rides on. I just put that predictions teeth on the curb and stamped it!! American History X style (Racism not included).

That's about it for now, still not sure if I'll make it to Milton Park this Sunday for Round 4 of the Maxxis. If I do the tweets will be coming thick and fast. If not I'll be watching videos on the internet, cumming thick and fast. Gross!

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX1 At Beto Carrero (Brazil)

1. Christophe Pourcel (FRA, Kawasaki) - I've have been known to give the #377 some stick before but the guy was un-fucking-touchable in the first moto. Didn't even look like he was riding in the mud. Le Boss.


2. David Philippaerts (ITA, Yamaha) - Philly seems to have the fire back after his moto win in Mexico last week, just hope it's not the same 'fire' I got off that hooker/donkey in Mexico. He also started the bum bag/fanny pack craze that swept the weekend. Trend setter yo.

3. Kevin Strijbos (BEL, KTM) - First podium for Strij-like-a-bos since 2007! Fuck man that's an age ago. Bum bag's were still in fashion back then....oh wait. 

4. Gautier Paulin (FRA, Kawasaki) - Points make prizes/laid, he knows this.

5. Rui Goncalves (POR, Honda) - Standard.

6. Xavier Boog (FRA, Kawasaki) - What the fuck happened in the 2nd Moto? The Boog happened, that's what! Keeping the sweep alive for Kawi.

7. Clement Desalle (BEL, Suzuki) - I really feel Desalle should have won at least a race this year. I'm pretty sure he feels like that too. Get it done bro!

8. Antonio Cairoli (ITA, KTM) - Bad day champ, bad day.

9. Evgeny Bobryshev (RUS, Honda) - Russian Bob, getting 9ths and 10ths for communism. 

10. Shaun Simpson (GBR, Yamaha) -  Making sure the brits have a top 10 guy. We could maybe do with a top 5 one if you fancy it Shaun.

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX2 From Beto Carrero (Brazil)

Sorry this was the best pic that came up.

1. Tommy Searle (GBR, Kawasaki) - Killed it in the mud, even with a fuckin' pit stop to change gloves! Guy is a fuckin' leg-end. To quote myself, "Tommy just parked the fudge on Herlings salad. Egotistical? Probably. Awesome? Definitely!  


2. Christophe Charlier (FRA, Yamaha) - Love's the mud apparently. Sketchy at times, boss at others.   


3. Jose Butron (ESP, KTM) - Butron was pumped as fuck to get up on the podium and why not? How often can you go 8-2 for 3rd overall. Once I'm guessing. 


4. Jeremy van Horebeek (BEL, KTM) - Seemed to be on the ground more than anyone but still put it up there for 4th. Now what did I say at the first 3 rounds? See here.

5. Joel Roelants (BEL, Kawasaki) - Two words to describe Roelants ride, damage control.

6. Max Anstie (GBR, Honda) - Said in a start line report that he's from England so he's used to the rain. Not as used to it as Searle apparently. 

7. Jeffrey Herlings (NED, KTM) - You may have beaten Tommy more times this year but you haven't lapped him like he did you. Gutted son.

8. Jake Nicholls (GBR, KTM) - Mud, Dry, Slightly Damp like your mum looking at my facebook pics, Jake is Solid(ude) in all conditions. Recognise.

9. Alessandro Lupino (ITA, Husqvarna) - I feel that I should stop with the sowing machine remarks if Lupino keeps putting it up in the top 10. 

10. Harri Kullas (FIN, Suzuki) - Ahahaha you got beat by a sowing machine.

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX1 Top 10 At Guadalajara

1. Antonio Cairoli (ITA, KTM) -While all these other clowns are touching each other up, Cairoli is getting it done, he knows how shit works. Have you seen his missus? He knows a dude with his looks (ouch) would never get a bitch that fine without dangling at least a couple of world championships in front of her. Chicks love moto! 

2. Clement Desalle (BEL, Suzuki) - Desalle is like the Euro-Dungey, can't seem to pull of the wins but is always there and will be there till the end. KTM next year?

3. David Phillipaerts (ITA, Yamaha) - Laid it down in the second moto like a fucking boss! That is all.

4. Ken de Dycker (BEL, KTM) - As I've said before, Comedy to watch but was putting down laps like a motherfucker.

5. Tanel Leok (EST, Suzuki) - 5th in moto 1 + 5th in moto 2 = 5th overall. You can't argue with maths.......bitches.

6. Xavier Boog (FRA, Kawasaki) - Atomic Boog has been Mr Average (worst superhero ever) this year. 6th's, 7ths, and 8th's are the norm but look out for him in his home GP at Saint Jean D'Angely where he could easily bust out and get a.......7th.

7. Kevin Strijbos (BEL, KTM) - Strij-like-a-bos went from one of Britain's (and possibly Europe's)premier tracks, Lyng last weekend to the worlds anus that was the track at Guadalajara. He'll take a 7th.

8. Jonathan Baragan (ESP, Honda) - The one man comedy show of 2012 gets his first top 10. 

9. Rui Goncalves (POR, Honda) - Surely he should have done better at his home race. Portugal is in Mexico right?

10. Christophe Pourcel (FRA, Kawasaki) - Green fencing in the rear wheel in race one, lack of stamina in race two. Time to hit the treadmill bro.

Mav's Breakdown Of The MX2 Top 10 At Guadalajara

1. Jeffrey Herlings (NED, KTM) - Double win again for the dutch douche, seemed a bit more reserved in his interviews this week. Maybe KTM told him top pipe the fuck down

2. Tommy Searle (GBR, Kawasaki) - Tommy is still putting out ball busting rides, the guy's a fucking powerhouse in the closing laps of the motos. Just needs better starts and stay on the bike and he could easily give Herlings a proverbial swift kick in the muff by taking the wins. C'mon Bro!

3. Jeremy van Horebeek (BEL, KTM) - Van Der Beek has been determined to get higher than fourth the past two weeks to make me change what I write about him. He was Solid(ude) this weekend. Happy Jeremy?

4. Joel Roelants (BEL, Kawasaki) - Roelants just didn't seem quite like himself. Looks like he's still suffering from his get off in Fermo

5. Christophe Charlier (FRA, Yamaha) - Stepped up into the top 5 like a pro this weekend. Killer second moto ride.

6. Jordy Tixier (FRA, KTM) - Could have been higher if he hadn't have had a few goon tip overs. Look out for a podium for the fast Frenchie before the season is out.

7. Jake Nicholls (GBR, KTM) - Jakey made the trip to Mexico worth it by tearing shit up East Anglian style. Another top 10 and another buttload of points. 7th in the GP, 7th in the championship.

8. Max Anstie (GBR, Honda) - Feeling Anstie has dropped of the pace a bit this year. Maybe he's getting after the trim (fanny) like his old man apparently does.

9. Glenn Coldenhoff (NED, KTM) - The Hoff's first top 10, and first blow of a mexican monstergirl/hooker.

10. Alessandro Lupino (ITA, Husqvarna) - Lupino's sowing machine made it to Mexico and into the top 10 again. Just.

Graphic Detail #9 - 2010-12 TMC CRF

I was literally sick in my mouth when I saw Christy Harnett's bike at Lyng this past weekend. I tried searching for a picture of it but came up short. However I did find this, this is one of the TMC bikes(Harnetts main sponsor) from 2010 and they haven't changed in the two years that have passed. Anyways, how can you take a thing of beauty like this CRF250 and turn it into a complete abomination of  a bike, I want to take a cheese grater to my eyes every single time I catch a glimpse of it. If mother Honda knew she was going to be giving birth to this, she would have binged on a cocktail of drink and drugs before getting to third base with a primark coat hanger. The graphics are just all kind of wrong, there's so many colours here, it just looks like Picasso parked the fudge on the bike (I take that back, a Picasso shit would actually be worth something). The TMC logo is just god awful, the text looks like the kind of thing you get on a Christmas card from someone who's decided to make their own on Microsoft Word, and the dog in the baseball cap?! WTF!? What is this 1992? (again I take that back, 1992 had more style than this.) Luckily they manage to scrape back some credibility by having a red seat with predominately black based graphics.*  TMC cannot take all of the blame for this though, I'm going to point my one middle finger at Fox Racing too. That's right, you heard. This is blatantly based on some of the jazzy Fox clothing designs that have made them self present in the past few years. However, where as Fox is a credible company at the forefront of design and fashion with a good knowledge of what works on an aesthetic level, whoever designed this pretty much just has some kind of creative disability. How can i sum it up? You ever see that film Twins with Arnie and Danny Devito? Where one twin is built and ripped and a nice guy and the other is short fat and a loser? Yeah, that! 

*Oh yeah I forgot, that looks shit too!

Las Vegas: The Fight For Second.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet as I'm sure that you, like me, are completely over the supercross season now. Here's Vegas:

Lites East:

• Barcia holeshots and wins like he's pretty much done all year. On top of the podium then on top of a monster girl.
• Cunningham goes down like a girl who just got a diamond ring of her fiancée.
• This race was boring as shit, I swear this is all that happened. Roll on hangtown.

1. Barcia   2. Roczen   3. Baggett

Lites West:

• Another Geico holeshot another Geico win as Tomac doesn't want to be out done by his teamate in the East
• Wilson is pissed with his start (and season) so decides to try and break Sipes' leg.
• Hahn makes the move of the race by cutting between a lapper and Davalos to slam the latter in the next corner. Welcome to the podium bro.
• Tomac pulls out the nac-mac. See what I did there? Fuck I'm good!

1. Tomac   2.Wilson  3.Hahn

East West Shootout:

• Barcia holeshots (I'm bored of writing that now).
• The Goon couldn't miss vegas! Wharton stalls it going into thunder alley.
• Davalos grabs his balls and slams into Barcia and the lead.
• Wilson has a nightmare so he decides to find some new lines down one of the rhythm sections.
• Barcia soon finds his way back around Davalos and Tomac follows. Tomac get's to obsessed trying to be just like Barcia and makes the exact same mistake that the east champ makes in the whoops, pretty much deciding the outcome of this race.

1. Barcia   2. Tomac  3. Davalos.  

450's

• Brett Michaels obviously reads Sandbox and hands the 'cock hard, ride hard' award (Is that what it's called?!) to Brayton. No one seems to care, Brayton is a Solidude though. Ralph has a boner.
• Alessi holeshots and tries to keep the lead by trying to kick Dungey as they enter the stadium. Dungey is not scared.
• Goerke gets a third place start but begins to go backwards. He then pulls of the save of the night through Thunder Alley. Nice moves brah!
• Millsaps is riding like he really want's 2nd place, he tries to use Weimer as a lip to get some height, doesn't quite work out.
• Dungey is gone.
• Weimer loses 2nd to Millsaps and then Brayton explains to him what it means to be a Solidude.

1. Dungey   2. Millsaps  3. Brayton

Hope that wasn't to painful for you. 

iPhoto's From Lyng, Hi-Tech 'N' Shit!

So as I mentioned in my Lyng wrap up, there was about as much 3G signal out there as there are brain cells shared by the Kardashians (I don't even know who they are but I'm told they're dumb as fuck!) So with the help of my trusty old iPhone, I'm spraying hot sticky photos from the 3rd round of the Maxxis all over your face. Take it like a pro baby and at least try and look like you're enjoying it.

The track conditions put a middle up to all those who
thought the meeting would be cancelled.

The two fastest bikes on the track bought to you by EBB and Strij-like-a-boss!

The Osbourne name graced a Monster Yamaha Team shirt once more this weekend as Dicko

 hired namesake, Seb Osbourne as a fill in rider. While his surname is the same

 as Zachy poo's, his results were not.

Pocock did everything but piss on the red plate to make sure everyone knew it was his.
Kid hauls some serious shit.

Samsung Yamaha are looking fresh this year, which is surprising considering
 the company that gives them their look are the same people who bought us the
styling of Franklind and Hill. 

The Samsung boys are repping these savage looking Stomp 'Gripper' Seats.
At the rate Irwin goes, he needs it.

This bike looks better every time I see it. One for the wank bank.

Ashley Wilde's KXF450, another of the Merge Decals Canvases.
 

Photo's don't do just how gnarly Cadders Hill is justice. Why the fuck did
I bother taking it then? I'm such a Prick.

Insane hill whoops and an absolute douche!

An action shot that didn't actually come out too bad. Swordy crests the
Cadders under waved yellows. Fuckin' Jackson evans!

Interviewer: "Kevin are you a Boss?!"

Strij-like-a-bos (clues in the name): "Yes."

Interviewer: "Can I blow you?"

It's that fuckin' simple!