A Look Ahead With A Look Back - Houston 2011

Part 1

Part 2

The Supercross crew hit up Houtson, TX tonight for round 13 where as last year the visit to the Reliant Stadium was a lot earlier in the series, in fact it was the first race of the East Coast championship and it was a doozie. Here's the breakdown of the main event, sandbox style:

• Kdub holeshots like a boss, the crowd is super pumped.
• Stewart go down with a bunch of other riders in the first corner just for fun.
• Canard is makin moves' and works his way into 2nd.
• Stewart tries to mount JT$ from the rear, this does not go well for either of them.
• Windham throws it away, just cause he can. He don't need wins to make him great! 
• Dungey starts hassling Canard like he owes him rent. Trey is not payin.
• Canard wins his first ever 450 Supercross main. That's what happens when Jesus loves you.
• Erin uses the term "most minimal amount of mistakes" Thank god you're pretty Bates.

This was a good fuckin' race with some proper pro battles. Canard and Dungey, Villopoto and Millsaps, Stewart  and Jason Thomas. What happened JT?  I really feel Windham has the win until the lap 10 brain fart on his part (yeah it rhymes, so what?!) If he pulls the holeshot tonight and RV has problems somewhere along the line then I definitely feel he could pull off the W. He's Kevin fuckin' Windham for fuck sake. At that point the fans will tear Reliant Stadium a new one and you can fuckin' stamp that! Let's go Kdub!

Street Guy Is Not Scared!

This is basically a road bike guy's wet dream. I mean, we all know they wish they could ride motocross, but they also require an engine size that detracts from the fact that 2 inches less and they would be a lesbian. So this guy, gets a CRF to knock up a Triumph and this bad boy is the result. It's pretty sick and would be fun to rag around like a 19 year old fashion model with daddy issues, until that moment when you decide you're boss enough and get some airtime with all 4mm of suspension travel. Sketchy! Your nut sack will not be sending you a Christmas card this year. That's why this dude only hits one jump in the video and it's like a foot high at best. Also buddy, lay off with the feet on the handlebars shit, this isn't Hollywood's Greatest Stunts, that shit is just lame. Saying that though, imagine the mind fuck if Stewart pulls that shit passed Villopoto in a rhythm section at Houston this weekend. That would be tits! Would I want one of these bikes? Sure why not, I'll just turn up at any race with a Holeshot award and take some fuckin' names, who needs to ride the entire race huh? I'll be the new Jeff Alessi. Nuclear Cowboyz (oooh a Z instead of an S, edgy!) better get the cheque book out and then get the fuck out! No one cares about the Nuclear Clown show, just sayin'.

Edub and Cottrell, Sweet As!

EDub Media is throwing up some banging videos at the moment and this one of  Jimmy Cottrell (East Coast Represent) throwing down whips big enough to fight Godzilla is no exception. This guy has the sweetest style (no homo) and the dude was going off like a bastard over the big tabletop at Milldenhall last weekend at the Lings Honda open day just because he fuckin could. Watch out for him at Canada heights this weekend, I'm pretty sure he will be raping the new tabletop they've put in place, so I suggest you all camp out there and let this motherfucker spray hot whips and scrubs all over your face. Boy's got skills!

Man Vs Tree. Nuff said.

What happened dude? One minute you're railing berms and busting out doubles, the next you're recieving the mother (nature) of all block passes. Just pick your teeth up and bust out another moto, that's what the cool kids do. Recognise.

Mav's Breakdown Of The 2012 MXD(that's right D mother fuckers)N Logo

Youthstream and Monster Energy fucked up! Its 'des nations' not 'of nations' you fuckin' clowns. I hate the fact that it's been changed over the last decade just so certain sponsors target audience can say it without drifting into some racist attempt at an accent. Anyway that rant out the way, this logo isn't quite doing it for me, the first thing that lets it down is the black, and I hate these words, "grunge" or "smudge" effect in the background, I was putting shit like that on bikes back in 2005 and here we are 7 years later and its still kickin' around like that great aunt who just refuses to let go of that last bit of breath her respirator gives her. Seriously boys solid outlines is the way to go, trust me. Also I'm not that keen on the kind of perspective twist on the main lettering, it's the kind of thing you see a lot in design these days cos people grab a copy of photoshop use the different filters and tools and think they should start their own design company. "I made some business cards for my dads handy man business." Get fucked Junior! Its all about Illustrator fuck wad, vectors rule bitch! The text is OK, apart from the spelling mistake I pointed out earlier. Quite a nice use of both horizontal and vertical axis, just ditch the cracked effect (again done to death) and the silencer is quirky and it's a perfectly good rendering of a pro circuit pipe but does it get me amped about the MXDN? Not even a half cocked right now. Seriously Youthstream next time you want a logo done get on the phone and I'll take a crack at it or just pull out some of the money you DON'T pay the riders and get the 123Klan guys on the case, they know what the fuck is up, that's for sure. Schools out!

Goon Take Out And The Aftermath (It's Nothing Really)

So the guy you're battling with has an even more hideous gear combo goin on than you (nice lumo jeans pal), so let him have it with a gooniest take out move you can. That's the moto equivalent of a kid with glasses picking on a ginger (not Villopoto though, that guy will fuck you up.) The kamikaze douche then takes for-fuckin-ever picking his bike up, I've seen people with HIV pick up heavier things quicker than that. Then the aftermath, wow! That's probably the most jacked up bike I've ever seen. How on earth will you make it out for the second moto? Oh yeah put some fuckin' tape on it and quit your bitchin!

#57 Jake Canada - Solidude.

I feel that this Solidude shout out is a few weeks overdue but at the same time I feel I may be reaching the vinegar strokes a tad too early. I really feel Canada could muscle his way on to the podium in the next couple of weeks like an overzealous chick with big cans in a club. The boy has been killing it so far this year considering no-one was really talking about him at the start of the season. Way to be a Pro Jakey. His results read 9-9-6-6-5, round that off with a career best 4th in Toronto this weekend and he's currently sitting 5th in the points only 12 behind Roczen and ahead of (so-called) players like Baggett, Bogle and Mookie. Boom! I can just see the Alessi's pouting over someone actually getting results on an MCR Bike. Step it up boys, before Tony adopts the #57 and makes Jake the new Mike, Mike the new Jeff, and Jeff a Privateer. We all know how it works. Canada will be ripping it up in the next few weeks you can bet your dick on that, and when he's stood on that podium spraying Erin in the face with his champagne/sperm then check out this blog for another 'You Were Thusly Informed' post, Prickish style.

Toronto: Slap Fights, Premature Pass-ulation And The Taste Of Concrete.

So Toronto happened:

Lites

• Bogle samples concrete as he has a big get off in his heat after he tangles with a 3DD (digit douche) . Gets up and wins LCQ. Casual.
• Barcia Holeshots, Roczen steals the lead, Bam Bam then punts him out of the way in a corner, east coast style.
• Durham and Wharton get into a slap fight for 3rd, Martin gets involved for a three way.
• Durham face plants, Mitch is pissed!
• Bowers shows Martin the Arenacross way in a battle for 4th. Elbows up!
• Durham decides to take Mitch's focus off his crash by playing dominoes with Rife, Lemoine and Baggett who finishes 15th (ouch!)
• Jake (Oh) Canada quitely rides to 4th. Can you say laid?

1. Barcia  2. Roczen  3. Wharton  4. Canada  5. Durham

450's

• Brayton holshots and prays that Villopoto went down in the first turn. He didn't and passes Real Tree on lap 2.
• The Progressive Pass Of The Race screen blows its load early on lap 2 (RV on Brayton). So no more passes will be made? Dicks!
• Windham starts schooling the kiddies with passes on Millsaps and Weimer.
• Erin interviews Barcia track side. He say's he can't wait to mix it up with guys like RV2 next year. Translate: ramming him, and not in the good way.
• Will Hahn is no Cole Seely.
• Weimer decides to find a new line around the lappers by taking to the concrete and fails.
• Musquin continues to be solid(ude) with a 6th. The French Canadites are pumped.
• Villopoto wins. Shocker!

1. Villopoto  2. Brayton  3. Windham  4. Millsaps  5. Weimer

A Look Ahead With A Look Back - Toronto 2011

Part 1

Part 2

So the Supercross moves up to hockey land tonight with round 12 in Toronto. So here's what went down at last years race:

• The track designers decided to fuck with everyone by making the first corner a left then immediate right turn.
• Fabien Izoird (who?) holeshots while Alessi decides to cut the first corner completely and yet still only gets a 5th place start, Douche. 
• The Universe then butt fucks the #800 as his KTM gives it up like your mum (getting old? Never!).
• The man above lets Dungey take over the lead and keeps him there for his only race win last season. Should have prayed harder I guess.
• Stewart decides to shit on Villopoto's salad by taking him out in a corner. Villopoto ends up getting lapped and finishes 9th.
• Reed and Carnard chase Dungey home in 2nd and 3rd. Honda boy's represent.

Do I think Dungey will win tonight? Probably not. Do I think Reed and Canard will be on the podium? Again doubtful. Do I think people will think I'm serious when I ask these questions. Most Definitely, people are fuckin' Idiots! With those guy's out as well as Stewart, it looks like it could be Villa-ronto all over. Brayton turned it up last week as did Metty, and Millsaps has a couple of solid weeks. All it takes is a Larocco start (my new term for bad starts) from RV2 and some traffic problems to let one of the other guys grab the chance to motorboat Dianna Dahlgren. Bbbrrrrruumski!

A Bunch Of Cana-brah's Get Into It After Last Years Supercross

So decided to get a jump on things by watching last years Toronto supercross for this weeks 'A Look Ahead With A Look Back' today as I'm going to be blogging it up at the Lings Honda open day all day tomorrow. That's right I'm a busy as a bastard. This video popped up on the search results and after seeing the title I new I'd struck gold. Basically a load of guys get into it over who gives the better god props, Ryan Dungey or Trey Canard. Not being able to settle the argument between 'the man above' and 'our lord and saviour Jesus Christ' the guys then decided to throw down even though they all seem unable to throw a punch without their hockey stick for company. Fuckin' Canadites, with they're flapping heads and beady little eyes (not racist), and in the midst of it all, not a Mountie insight. I love the camera guy though, he's like a news reporter in the middle of a lame version of some middle east conflict who just wades in balls out screaming "Yeah buddy, yeah!" Get this guy on CNN and watch him take a missile to the face like a fuckin' champ and still be home in time for Kraft Dinner. No, you're legit guy!

I will fuck you up, eh.

African Guy Getting It Done

It's not moto but whilst scouring Youtube for some blog worthy watching I found this video. This guy is just getting it done by layin down some serious skills in front the ladies. The bit where he fuckin' Jedi's that shit is the tits. Well played sir, well played.

Osbourne Injured - Out For First GP?

News fresh in from FatCat is that Zach Osborne's had a big crash this morning and may miss the start of the season...

Seemingly fitter and faster than ever before it was looking like 2012 was going to be Zach Osborne's big year but news fresh in from FatCat Motoparc is that the West Virginian speedster has had a big crash this morning and will most likely miss the start of the GP season. Although the full extent of Zach's injuries is unknown at present our man on the scene reckons that Osborne has badly injured his collarbone, wrist and ribs

Report from dirtbikerider.com

Someone has shit on my salad! (loving that phrase) I was really looking forward to watching 'the real 338' go out and kill it in the Maxxis and the GP's, looks like that's been put on hold for a while. Dude was pro-ing it in the mud at a local meeting I was at this weekend, until his bike tapped out like a bitch. Team Manager, Steve Dixon has apparently said that they're suspecting he has fractured his wrist and collar bone. Hopefully it won't be two long before we see Zachy pooh ripping it again along side the one man scrub fest that is his team mate Tonus. You can bet Herlings, Searle and the rest of the MX2 crew will be sleeping a little bit easier tonight. Take it while you can boys, Snack Pack (sorry Zach I had too) will be back soon ready to throw down before he heads back to root some monster girls in the US next year.

Graphic Detail #6 - One Industries David Bailey Replica Kit

These graphics annoyed me for two reasons when they came out. 1. I had already planned to make my bike look all retro n shit because no one had done that until then and I'm pretty much a trend setter. That's right, you heard, and 2. These were so fuckin' well done! I love these graphics, even now. The Honda wing was modified perfectly to suit the newer style of bike and the HRC logo is just straight up bitchin'! But the real touches that make it amazing is the blue seat (sick) and the backgrounds, they are better than aggressive make up sex! The dummy vents on the air box are fuckin' genius, even I would have missed that on the design I was doing. One industries I salute you for giving normal men the chance to plough as many women as David Bailey did back in his hey day by simply applying this set of graphics to their bike. "Hey ladies, would you like to meet the 'Little Professor'?" Penetration! It's that easy.

This Is Why You Don't Ride Speedway.....Dicks!

Fuck I hate speedway, it's the most pointless fucking sport! You hear that speedway?! I'm putting you behind dressage (that lame horse dancing type thing). Every thing about speedway enrages me, the bikes, the riders, the styling, the fans. Everything! You think having no brakes makes you cool? YOU GO ROUND IN A FUCKING CIRCLE ON A FLAT FUCKING TRACK! You don't need brakes for that shit. This video made me laugh because the bike basically dreams of being a motocross bike, so it throw's the douche riding it to the ground like a used condom and then turns on him and tries to mow him down before pulling a backflip en route to trying to take down some of the kid touchers that actually paid money to watch this crap. It's just a shame no one was hurt, how are they ever going to learn?

"Dude, I think i broke my vagina!"

#45 Jake Nicholls - Solidude

Maybe a slight bias on this weeks Solidude as Jake is east coast represent like myself (I know he lives in holland or belgium now but fuck it.). This weekend was the 3rd round of the Dutch championship, which is pretty much the GP's when you see the entry lists. So the boy Nicholls goes out in the first moto, crashes twice, takes a trip to the local hospital to have his eyebrow stitched up and then comes back, holeshots the second moto and ends up fourth. Say what?! The boy is fuckin Boss! Let's the get the GP's started so Jake can show you all what the fuck is up. East Coast Bitches!

Where'd You Get Your Gear From? The Toilet Store? (If You Don't Get That Reference You're Fuckin' Dumb)

Wow, looking for that new race wear that will make everyone turn to look at you as you roll out on to the track? Looking for a gear that makes you look like a pro even though you can't lay down a scrub or clear that 6ft tabletop? Then chill gear is NOT for you! Oh people will look at you for sure, the same way you look at people with a cleft lip, slightly wary. Even weekend warriors will be kitted out better than you in their 1993 UFO jersey and wrangler jeans. Did JT (the gear company not Jason Thomas) rape a Jockey and this was the end product?! This gear is straight up fugly, they've tried to capture the same kind of look as the new/old JT stuff but have failed harder than a fat girl in thong! I also love the photo on the website of one of their riders without proper graphics on their bike, just two Suzuki stickers he got free with a magazine. Jokes. The price must surely be low though as it's not a recognised brand. Guess again! $50 for a shirt, $150 for  the jeans. What the fuck?! I would rather let a cat use my nut bag as a scratching post or wear a Mike Alessi pick up kit jersey than this stuff, and I've worn Wulfsport in the past!

Ben Townley To TwoTwo Motosports. Fuck Yeah!

TwoTwo Motorsports is pleased to announce the signing of former world champion and multiple AMA race winner Ben Townley to contest its 2012 Lucas Oil Pro Motocross Championship campaign.

With team owner and rider Chad Reed sidelined as he recovers from his AMA Supercross injury, the team sought a rider that could race competitively at the head of the 450 class while assisting in the ongoing development of the Honda CRF450 motorcycle.

“Prior to the Supercross season I had been speaking to Ben about racing competitively in the US again, and we’d spoken about the possibility of running a bike built by Mitch Payton from our truck for selected rounds.

“After the injury, surgery and the initial realisation that I would be sidelined from competition for some time, I needed to consider the team’s ongoing development and if there was a rider that could step in and be competitive in the role,” said Reed.

“We believe in Ben's talent and work ethic, and combined with the great crew we have at TwoTwo Motorsports, I feel we have the formula to not only represent our sponsors but also challenge, win races and compete for the number 1 plate.

Official PR.

Boom! That just fuckin' happened and I really should have named this post 'You Were Thusly Informed 2' as I pretty much called this before the weekend. See here. I really think this could be a huge move on the part of TwoTwo, as I said if Townley can stay healthy he can probably run the pace of the Ryan's, he can definitely put it in there for some wins. I know it was 5 years ago but the dude was the only guy running the pace of Carmichael at the 2005 des nations in France. He now has a good couple of months to get the training in and can turn up at Hangtown with his balls on display ready for everyone to get licking. Join the queue bitches!

EBB And Probert Keeping It Real.

MPORA Action Sports

Light on riding but still a solid GoPro video of EBB and his bro Scott Probert get their groove on and then shredding laps in a top secret location (probably not that secret but I don't know where the fuck it is). With Canada Heights only a couple of weeks away and the first GP at Valkenswaard the week after, EBB is keeping it real because that dude is not fuckin' scared. Check it out, and if you say Cher is so 1997, so was Jeff Emig's black shift gear and how rad was that shit, dickhole. Nice shout out to Eks brand goggles as well. Booyah!

Indianapolis: Ryan Villopoto Wins The Title.....well pretty much.

It's a little late I know, but it was mothers day over the weekend and I had a lot of your mothers to go see. Here's what happened in the Lucus Oil Stadium on a track that's corners were flatter than Paris Hilton's chest (we've all seen the video):

Lites

• Roczen Holeshot's and Barcia appears to have taken starting lessons from team manager Mike Larocco and is mid-pack (that's not his rap name). He then face plants for fun.
• Kyle Cunningham eats shit and the red flags come out.
• The AMA officials, high on crack it seems, make the riders line up for a staggered start for the first time ever. 
• Roczen continues to lead until he decides to pay tribute to Brian Deegan (The General) by ghost riding his bike over a jump circa 1997.
• Wharton inherits the lead and fights his alter ego goon and wins. Way to make me look and idiot....Prick.
• Barcia's win/getting laid streak is over as he settles for 3rd behind Durram who rides like a fuckin' pro! #betterthanbaggett

450's

• In his heat race, Stewart makes a mess of a section and gets ploughed into by Kevin Windham. Top Jimmy (Albertson) then jabs one into his vagina as well just for good measure. Stewart is out for the night.
• Alessi holeshots the main (shocker!) but the gets passed by Real Tree (Brayton). I have pre-cum on my tip.
• Metcalfe realises that he is the #1 (and only) rider for Suzuki and proceeds to fend off Villopoto for several laps for possible battle of the fuckin' year.
• Alessi takes down Windham. The #800 is now the most hated man in supercross....oh wait. Not cool Mike, not cool.
• RV gets past Metcalfe and then pulls up on Brayton. My arse is like a rabbits nose as they battle for several laps.
• Villopoto passes Mr. Camo and wins the race and pretty much the title, just because he can.
• Millsaps puts JGR on the podium with 3rd. Well some one's got to.

Now get the fuck out of here!

A Look Ahead With A Look Back - Indianapolis 2011

The Supercross crew rolls into Indianapolis tonight for round 11 of Monster Energy Supercross, so as always I've had a cheeky watch of last years race. Here's the main points:

• Villopoto grabs the early lead and checks out. Easy win.
• Stewart is last into the first corner, end of first lap he is up to 5th. Ridonkulous.
• Dungey's all over Reed like he's the last girl in the club at ten to two, Reed throws his drink over dungey in the form of a brake check, Dunge drops it.
• After some goon like activities, Stewart starts to believe his butt patch which reads 'It ain't over' as he pulls a nipple erecting scrub over a triple to pass Reed for 2nd.
• Dungey has one last chance to pass Reed for a podium spot, however doesn't go in for the kill as it wouldn't be christian. 
• Ralph chokes on Brett Michaels cock as he tries to pronounce the name of the Rock Hard, Ride Hard award.

This race was pretty boring. As I said RV just takes off like he's MC in the nineties and doesn't look back. I got really frustrated by watching the Reed and Dungey battles because Ryan is definitely faster (for once) but just can't get past and we've all been in that position during a race. However Dungey was 'playing nice' last year, he has plenty of opportunities to shit on Reed's salad but doesn't. You can bet that if Dunge was riding tonight and Weimer was in front of the #5 then, then Jake would be getting ready to bite the pillow/barpad as Dungey put his cock AND balls inside him like he has done a couple of times already this year. I think tonight's race will have several of the same elements as last year, namely, Villopoto running away with the win, Stewart going super fast but gooning his way through the race and Ralph fellating that guy from poison. Open up and say Ahh Sheheen.

Get your ride on Ralph

TwoTwo-nley Motorsports To Race Outdoor Nationals? (Catchy Title Huh?!)

David Pingree put out this tweet last night:


Wouldn't it be great to see Ben Townley racing here this summer? If only there was a great team that needed a rider...Hmmm...#101 #BTisback 


Yes it would Ping, yes it would. I fuckin' love Townley, the guy is a maestro on a bike, as long as he stays on it that is. Now Townley is Ping's boy, they're tight from the Troy Lee days so he would know and there have been rumours about Townley jumping on his Australasian neighbour's ride and showing up with the TwoTwo Motorsport's semi at Hangtown in a few months. I will piss my pant's, seriously. I'm still a firm believer that if he stays healthy, which I admit is more likely than Charlie Sheen losing, then he can run up front with the two Ryans and Stewart (oh yes, he's going to be racing outdoors aswell). I know there's people that will disagree with me on this but hey for me Townley + TwoTwo(Factory) Honda = Sploodgeville. So come on Ben, Grab a create of Carlton Dry and book a flight to Florida to start training. No one cares about the Australian or New Zealand Championships, except for Billy Macenzie maybe, but then no one cares about him. There, someone had to say it.

Who Can Beat Barcia?

So as we've seen over the past few weeks, Barcia is shredding some serious shit on his Geico Honda. After racking up wins in the first four rounds like they were notches on his bed post (dude is rolling in Trim) the talk has already started of a perfect season. Is there anyone who can beat Barcia?

Ken Roczen - He's being too stereotypical German (boring and efficient). Wait till outdoors, then he has Barcia covered.

Blake Baggett - Almost tracked down Barcia this weekend at daytona but that's only because it was sloppier than your mum. Same as Roczen outdoors he's a threat.

Blake Wharton - Blake's shown some speed and is a former winner, but the goon is still in there, ready to go front end high through a rhythm section and face first into a tuff block at any point. 

Justin Bogle - I think he can win but the later he leaves it the more of a fisting he'll get from Mike Larocco for taking points away from Barcia.

Darryn Durram - 2nd in points, 1st on Baggett's hit list if he keeps making him look bad in front of Mitch.

Kyle Cunningham - No.

Alex Martin - If there's a track with no whoops......then still no.

Malcom Stewart - Mookie's show flashes of speed but also other characteristics of his big bro. Loves those front flips.

Vegas Shoot Out - Eli could definitely run with his team mate and you can bet solidude Cole Seely will be showing the Geico boy's what the fuck is up when he gets back on the two fiddys. So we might have to wait till Vegas to see Barcia knocked off the top of the podium. Even then he's goin to have won the title so he'll be more worried about which monster girl will be receiving the Velcro effect from his moustache that night. Pimpin'

Cole Seely Signature Phone Case Will Get You Chicks. FACT

In case you haven't noticed Seely has been shredding like a bastard recently on the Muscle Milk factory Honda, well Incase have so they made the #34 his own signature Iphone case. (Suck it Blackberry) Now you know the boy has arrived! Slap one of these on your phone to show your support support for one fast as fuck solidude. Plus when the chicks see it, just tell them Seely is one of your boys, they'll be frothing at the gash.

Sl-i-i-i-i-ick!

Graphic Detail #5 - Jeremy Mcgrath's 1995/96 Factory Honda

Let me start of this edition of Graphic Detail by saying, Mcgrath and Lamson's 1995/96 Hondas were some of the best looking bikes ever! That just fuckin' happened.  If you disagree with me on that, then you might as well just slit your own throat, you've contributed all you can to this world.  Honda knew that, that's why they kept pretty much identical Graphics for 2 years in a row and then only tweeked it slightly for '97(once they'd lost Jeremy and any title hopes). The 100% designer's didn't even need to show up for a 1996 design pitch, they just stayed at home counting their money and calling Taxi's for the sluts they picked up at the club/Havasu the previous night. Again this bike sticks with just four colours, which as I've said before (several times) is the max amount that should be used on any two wheeled sex symbol. The design on the tank and rad shrouds is amazingly simple but looks simply amazing (Oh yeah, didn't know I was capable of that, did you?) The white rear fender and side plate look was 14 years ahead of its time (see the 2009 crfs) plus the Number 1 on the plates just gives it that extra sploodge value. Let's face it, it's pretty much porn. I mean, who wouldn't want a threesome with this bike and the special 1996 MXDN edition, it's the equivelent to the Mum and Daughter and daughter three way, the Holy Grail.

#7 Arnaud Tonus - Solidude

Tonus is the shit! There I said it. I love the guy's style, he just scrubs the shit out of every jump and I'm pretty sure if you watch him ride the front wheel only touches the ground twice a lap, he's like me on fuckin' Mad Skills. This weekend he finished 4th overall at the 1st round of the Maxxis British Championship. Now I know some of you are all like, "why the fuck is this guy getting a Solidude shout out for finishing fourth?!" Well, the REAL number 7 (who's James Stewart?) goes out in the 1st moto and shows everyone what the fuck is up. The second moto he's leading and then eats shit, properly eats shit, DNF's. Then the guy decides to say "fuck all this Swiss neutral crap" and then single handedly wages war on the track, the other riders and any kind of an idea that Osborne is the number 1 rider on that team in the 3rd moto. So his score reads 1-DNF-1 and he still pulls off 4th overall (only a point behind 3rd), that's why he's a Solidude. Any Questions? Get Bent!

Just check the scrub to wheelie in this video at 0:34. Slick as fuck!

You Were Thusly Informed!

Photo from moto.mpora.com

So we finally get some motocross on our side of the pond and I wasn't able to make it, however that didn't stop me being right about the whole fuckin' deal! Don't believe me? See my earlier post. So the foreign army came, saw, podimed (Is that a word? Is now. Boss!) and schooled the fuck out of most of the brits at the Fat Cat Moto ParK (thats right its a K, see ealier post again). Osborne and Tonus pretty much dominated the MX2 class with the odd appearance from Mel Pocock and Elliot Banks-Browne (East coast represent), While the MX1 podium looked like a meeting of the EU council, with Kevin Strijbos taking the chair. However before you all start asking, "Mav how are you so insightful and shit?" I said they would dominate the championship and we are only one race in, but I'm pretty confident shit's gonna go down that way. Good to see the UFO kits being repped by the Yamaha boy's, that shit is fresh. The Shot kits on Strijbos and Banks-Browne not so much, but I still love you EBB, no homo (maybe a little homo).

Daytona: JGR/Coy Gibbs pulls it off.

Daytona Motherfuckers! The good ole Florida weather turned round 10 of the supercross series into a boxing day party in Thailand. Here's what went down:

Lites

• Barcia holeshots and sprints and wins. Sound familiar?
• Roczen hunts down Wharton like its 1939. Wharton's speed from last week has been washed away by the rain. The goon is back!
• RC and Emig make a classic Terrafirma reference. Rev that sucka!
• Bogle gets bored and bury's his bike in a shallow grave.
• Bagett goes down in 2nd but still gets up to give Barcia's nuts a squeeze on the final lap.
• Gibson pulls an open pike with half twist into the biggest puddle out there. Training for London 2012?
• Durham gets scared of Mitch so decides to put it on the podium.
• RC doesn't understand Ken Roc's line choice. He's a world champion Ricky, what have you ever done?

450's

• Millsaps holeshots, Stewart follow's him through. Coy Gibbs nurses a boner.
• Villopoto goons the shit out of his bike for half a lap it seems. He eventually wrestles it to the ground like a rape victim.
• Stewart passes his team mate for the lead, Windham begins to apply the pressure to Millsaps. Coy Gibbs has a semi.
• There's a lot of sexual tension in the booth between Emig and Carmichael. Just fuck already!
• RC shout out to Stefan Everts as the greatest mud rider he's ever seen. Me too ricky, me too.
• Tickle starts thinking about life as a privateer as he loses 2 spots in as many corners. 
• Weimer takes a dive for Villopoto. RV comes through to 5th.
• Stewart wins and pulls a one legger, Millsaps pulls away from Windham and gets 2nd. Coy gibbs pulls himself.

RV's best Blake Wharton impression

That's pretty much it. Peace!

A Look Ahead With A Look Back - Daytona 2011

It's the Saturday of bike week so you all know what that means, Daytona motherfuckers! Heres last years race:

Main Points:

• Stewart holeshots and checks out quicker than a guy who's left a hookers corpse in his hotel room.
• Canard gets F'd in the A twice. First by Dungey and then by Metcalfe. There's not even any Lube involved.
• Stewart gets bored and attempts a front flip.
• Villopoto takes the lead and is never troubled.
• Dungey catches reed but doesn't pass him (Shocker!).
• Alessi gets blue flagged and pulls over for Stewart even though the JS7 is NOT a lap ahead.
• RV pulls out the burnout on the Daytona tarmac. Standard.

This race wasn't a ball grabber, it struggled to keep my attention. Like I said Stewart runs off but then crashes (deja vue), falls over his bike and then gets back on and then pulls out fast laps again. It's a pretty epic ride and that jump he is clearing is ridic-U-lous. Seriously though how pissed did Alessi have to be when he found out Stewart wasn't a lap ahead of him. The flaggers are trying to signal that Villopoto is coming round to lap them so mike hears a bike looks over and sees Stewart and presumes he's leading (it could happen) and just gives it up like its prom night. Tony Alessi probably bought out the shot gun and the gimp right there and then.

 So obviously people are going to look for RV to three-peat (lame word play I know) tonight. It's definitely possible with Reed and Dungey out. If Stewart doesn't get all Paris Rosen he could easily win, but that depends on how big the GoPro bonus is tonight (see here). I'll say it again....Daytona motherfuckers!

Dungey Out For Daytona With Broken Collarbone

Murrieta, CA - KTM Motorsports is saddened to report that Red Bull/KTM Factory rider Ryan Dungey will sit out the Daytona Supercross after undergoing surgery this week to repair a broken collarbone.

Dungey, who currently sits second in the series point standings and has collected two Supercross class wins this season, suffered what was initially diagnosed to be a cracked collarbone when he slid out in a turn and landed on his shoulder while practicing at his training facility in Florida prior to the St. Louis Supercross.

Following the crash, Dungey felt sore but was determined to continue vying for his second Supercross title and KTMs first-ever US Supercross Championship. In a heroic effort, he managed to finish runner-up at the St. Louis Supercross. Further evaluation by Dungey’s doctor this week found his collarbone to be broken. Dungey chose to undergo surgery on Tuesday afternoon to plate the collarbone in hopes of a healthy return to racing as quickly as possible.

“This is hard for everyone on the team,” remarked Red Bull/KTM Team Manager Roger DeCoster. “Ryan has done an amazing job adapting to a completely new bike this year. Through the process he has won two Supercross races and has finished on the podium at seven of nine races. He was well in the thick of the championship hunt at the midway point in the series.”

DeCoster continued, “It is often heard around the pits that Ryan needs to get more aggressive and tougher on the track; I am guilty of this prediction myself. But after what he accomplished last week racing to a close second with a broken collarbone; my doubts about how tough he is are well and truly gone. We knew he was hurting but we did not realize his injury was that extensive. His gutsy performance in St. Louis and determination to keep racing despite his injury is a testament to his dedication to the team.”

Report from racerxonline.com

Well it looks like Ryan Villopoto may have just won the 2012 AMA (Monster Energy, FIM, Feld, Brett Michaels etc.) Supercross Championship. Word is that Duke Finch will be presenting him with the #1 plate on the Daytona infield this weekend. Probably not, but he should do. I would be bummed (gutted, not gay sexed)  for you Ryan Dungey, but a broken collar bone ain't shit. Kurt Angle won an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken freakin' neck (thats the 2nd wrestling reference in a week, what is this 1999?). You got 2nd at St. Louis with it, just keep going. Sure the bone won't heal properly and will never be as strong but that shits overrated anyway. Imagine the head games for Villopoto, this guy tacked me down last week with his collar bone hanging out (slight exaggeration on my part), dude's like terminator. Instead you take the pussy option of surgery and miss Daytona, what if Rambo had gone in for surgery Ryan? You ever think about that? I thought not.

Graphic Detail #4 - Greg Albertyn's 1996 Factory Suzuki

I love this bike, its like the Monster girl, sorry Suzuki, Rockstar girl of the motorcycle world. It looks so good that it should probably have an 18 rating yet its amazingly simple. You just know it would get confused if you asked it what 2+2 is (it's 4 but I'm just showing off). The graphics have so much flow that they need an industrial size tampon. The way the black and white blocks run on to the seat is pure class and then the black does it's best duracel impression and keeps on going in the form of the small sticker that contours to the shape of the rear fender with a cheeky little silkolene logo in the middle of it just for good measure and good sponsorship exposure. Also I love the use of the red to make the Suzuki S thingy stand out like badger at a conference for weasels, as I said in my last Graphic Detail, the best graphics have 3 or 4 colours max. Good choice of numbers aswell, very simplistic but big enough that you could choke on them, if only the fuckin' mechanic could put them on straight. This bike is beautiful, simple, elegant (no homo). So what gear would you wear when riding it? Of course Albee pick the gear that has none of those points, Bieffe. That's like curling one out on Megan Fox's chest! You won 3 world championships and you couldn't get a better sponsor than the Cleveland steamer of motocross gears. (In my best South African accent) Poor show my friend.

El Doucho Lays The Smackdown!

This video made me laugh because I can't quite figure out what the fuck happened? The guy seems to hit the jump ok then all of a sudden he's turned a classic flying W into a flying WTF?! The guy probably got up dusted himself off and told his crew that he was bustin' out a hart attack when more realistically it looks like a stroke. What I find really funny is if you watch the slow mo just before he leaves the camera shot, probably about the same time his bladder empties, he looks like he's pulling out some kind of luchador wrestling move. Like someone in a pair of pants stood just off screen is about to get a flying cross body from El Doucho, only for him then to receive the smackdown from a YZ125 with, by the way, different numbers on the front to the side backgrounds, a goon move if I've ever seen one. Seriously guy pick a sport, wrestling or motocross, you never saw Hulk Hogan do both. Imagine the Hulkster bustin' out some whips, I'd pay some good fuckin' money to see that brutha!

Villopoto Win's, I Mean, Sign's Up For Monster Energy Cup 2

Ryan Villopoto became the first rider in off-road motorcycle racing history to win $1 million in a single night of racing at last year’s inaugural Monster Energy Cup. The Poulsbo, Wash., native quickly pushed his chips to the center of the table to defend his championship at the 2012 Monster Energy Cup at Las Vegas’ Sam Boyd Stadium on October 20 when he announced his return to this epic hybrid race.

“I’m really excited to head back to Vegas in October for the Monster Energy Cup,” said defending Monster Energy Cup winner Ryan Villopoto. “There is so little time in between races, it’s tough to recover for all three Main Events. It also becomes demanding for the team to get to the gate ready for three races on a track that requires different set-ups; it’s a full team effort. The track had some cool features last year that made it exciting, so I hope that they have more surprises in store come October.

From Moto.mpora.com

Well duh! Of course Villopoto is excited to head back to Vegas for the 2nd Monster Energy Cup. The guy turned up last year and gave every one a lesson on how to become a mack daddy in just one night. $1 million is enough cheddar (new word for cash, all the cool kids are using it) to make any woman in the world more wet than I got on splash mountain at Disneyland. Every other rider who is thinking of signing up probably can't then see the point now, I mean is there anyone on RV's pace at the moment? Dungey maybe? If Villopoto gets a bad start. Stewart? Maybe if he enters it this year and GoPro have paid him more than a million already. See my previous post. If Villopoto stays healthy all season Monster will probably just give him the cup and cheddar (working it) as he's one of their boys. Good work Ryan.....Prick (I'm just jealous).

How much are GoPro paying James Stewart?

What are the chances that GoPro sat down with James Stewart at the start of the season, wrote a figure so big it gets out of breath just standing up, on a piece of paper and said, "we want some good footage"? Now before people start calling lawyers and what not, I'm just saying what are the chances? I'm not saying that this is the case so just pipe down. Everybody knows that a holeshot and a 15-20 second win margin makes for crap TV, so why not win occasionally and spend the rest of the time, crashing and charging back through traffic? Much better for couch potatoes at home (Reed I'm looking at you). So far Stewart has crashed at all but two rounds(Oakland and Atlanta), Gopro has all these up on YouTube with a killer amount of hits on each one. I'm just saying they make for some good watching, and this weeks round in St. Louis was no exception, Stewart gets a bad start, then crashes and then puts down laps that only Villopoto was beating and James was in traffic! That's fuckin' ridiculous! Just watch this video and tell me if Stewart doesn't start up front he doesn't win or at least podium. The guy didn't let GoPro down this week, highlights include: 

• 0:07 Falling asleep on the line so Wiemer and Seely can box him off at the start.
• 0:12 Slams into Alessi (every video should have one of these). 
• 0:18 Tickles rear wheel coming at his face like a buzzsaw from the David Copperfield magic trick where he gets cut in half. 
• 0:39 Goes down after and elbow fight with Top Jimmy
• 2:07 A double pass on Tickle on Kiniry, just because he can.
• 2:44 Another attack on Alessi.
• 3:25 Cheeky look at Wiemer as he tells him to sit the fuck down.
• 3:46 Runs it way too deep in on my boy Seely, Douche!
• 3:59 There seems to be what Ping would describe as "a large silverback gorilla riding a tricycle" on the track, turns out it's Davi Millsaps
• 5:03 Some sort of goon head whip over the finish line.

Who needs those championships huh? Oh JGR probably.

Why I'm A Prick - San Diego 2011

When people say to me, "Mav, you're such a nice guy and possibly one of the most attractive people I know, I really wish I could be more like you because you are my hero." I normally tell them that would be good and the world would be a better place, but you've got so much work to do to reach this level of perfection. To be honest even I didn't know they could stack sex this high. But then I have to say, "you know it wasn't always this way". Let me take you back:

In January of 2011, I booked myself a ticket to San Diego to go take in the sun, supercross and bitches. At this point in time me and my bro got together every Tuesday at my pad to watch the weeks Supercross. When I told him I was going to the round at Qualcomm Stadium, he was more jealous than OJ. So I told him I'd get him something signed by Ryan Villopoto that would read 'To Luke......Gutted!' He was not impressed. So I roll up to The Q (home of my beloved Chargers) on race day, just as I arrive we get word that RV2 is about to start a signing, so we queue and after about 10 mins, there I am face to face with the man himself. One of my crew of two (Me and Penny) aims the camera and fires off a shot. People are dazed, a hush falls over the pit and then the crowd gasps in unison as they all turn to see me smiling holding my secret weapon. A simple card board sign that says 'GUTTED'.

 Villopoto is not entirely sure what has happened but he can tell I'm legit. The rest of that day was spent with the stars of supercross begging to rip on my brother by having their photo taken with me. I then uploaded these pics to facebook and tagged him in them all. Me and my brother still speak, but he and the whole supercross pits have a new level of respect for me and wish they could be me. You can dream guys. You can dream.

Alessi loves other peoples misery

 K Roc loves it

 Canard knows what's up

 KDub was a little busy but what do you expect? He's Kevin f'n Windham

Thumbs up from Shorty

Graphic Detail #3 - Ivan Tedesco's 2012 Hart and Huntington Kawasaki

Hart and Huntington's bikes have always been just a little off for me, From designs that had way to much going on with not much flow to the weekend warrior black bikes. So this year the guys at N-Style appear to have used the same line on Cary and the crew as I do on the ladies, 'less is more'. These bikes are pretty sick, three colours, four max is the way to go, and this bike fuckin' knows it! Not too much crammed onto the shrouds, just a few logos, and the green sweeping on to the seat is a nice touch, unlike the one's your uncle used to give you when you were younger. The number backgrounds are spot on, Tedesco has the benefit of being able to run a single digit number, so he can have that bastard as big as possible on them to make sure everyone knows how boss he is. Unfortunately with most of their riders picking up injuries (Hill - foot, Tedesco - Hand, Partridge - Foot and Neck) we're getting to see these bikes shredding it less and less. However it's been rumoured that a fill in rider is being recruited at the moment so there will be more chances for you to catch a piece of eye candy other than the monster ho's. (Is that offensive? Fuck it they probably can't read) Love you girls!

#10 Justin Brayton - Solidude

Photo from Transworld Motocross

Last year Justin Brayton just seemed to fly under the radar each every race picking up the odd top 10 and even a couple of top 5 positions, don't believe me look it up, douche. His almost stealth like presence/absence earned the totally under used nickname, Realtree by the leg end that is David Pingree. So like mini milks and french bread pizzas, I'm bringing it back. Anyway, Real tree put a middle finger up to his team of last year, JGR and grabbed a ride with Team Honda (and my love), whilst Coy Gibbs spent his Dad's money on a racer winner (1 thus far but who's counting? I bet Joe Gibbs is)  So after a few top 10's and a gnarly crash in San Diego (again I was there, again I cried....like a bitch) RT decided to don possibly the freshest looking One Industries gear ever and take the Red Machine for an interview with Erin up on the podium. It's fine that he has a fractured fibular and a torn ligament in his hand, chop his fuckin arm off and the #10 would still be trailing the Ryans like a sex pest. Solid little bastard! He's off to Reedy's for some Daytona practice this week and we all remember what happened with Dean Wilson last year when he spent time in TwoTwo Town. Another Podium this week? Maybe, the only thing that's certain is that if Realtree wins one of these weeks, I'll be the one with a torn ligament in my hand. #Selfabuse

St. Louis: Hoopdees, Staches, and a Muscle Milk Sponsered Base Jump

Round 9 is in the books and here's what I took from it.

Lites:

• Barcia keeps on rollin, heat win, main win, gets blown by a Monster girl. Standard.
• Wharton seems to have traded some goon style for speed.
• Jake Canada try's to get blown by a monster girl with 3rd in his heat and 6th in main. Has to settle for Ralph instead. Good effort though dude.
• Bogle sets new record for the 2 quickest consecutive crashes, the second being worthy of a C rider.
• Roczen just seemes boring but efficient in 2nd. Wait, where's he from again?
• Pro Circuit appeared not to show up this weekend.

450's:

• Villopoto keeps on rollin, heat win, main win, gets blown by his wife. All the Monster girls are jealous. Standard.
• Dungey almost chases down RV2 in the end but comes up short just like last years title race. Ooh burn!
• Stewart gets a bad start, crashes and then charges back to 5th just to make some interesting footage for GoPro.
• Brayton is solid(ude) with 2nd in his heat and 3rd in main. Lookin fresh in the One gear.
• Emig uses the term 'hoopdees' when reffering to the whoops and makes me want to take a brick to his face!
• In the heat, Alessi and Windham battle. The #800 pulls a transfer of his own from one side of the track into Kdubs face. Windham is not amused.
• Millsaps gets passed by his former team mate in the heat and the main. Team Honda 1  JGR 0
• Cole Seely GOES OFF THE SIDE OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BRIDGE!!! He's unhurt but I am forced to have a cry wank. 

That was St. Louis. Peace out.

A Look Ahead With A Look Back - St. Louis 2011

St. Louis happens tonight, so to get in the mood I watched the 2011 St. Louis race. Here's the main point's.

• Tedesco holeshots into the dumbass left then right turn. Shocker! it was either him or Alessi taking them last year.
• Stewart quickly gets around Dungey and then puts a ballsy pass on Tedesco where he pretty much jumps over Ivan into a corner leaving Hot Sauce thinking "WTF?!"
• Dungey moves into 2nd, Reed gets tackled by a tuff block RV takes over 3rd
• Canard comes from 15th to challenge Reed for 4th on the last lap and just comes up short
• Stewart wins and cries on the Podium (I would say like a girl but Erin's a girl and she never cries on the podium.)

Do you know what I took most from this race? Fuck I miss Canard! He's so fast and so fluid on the bike. His style is the kind you would take home to meet your mother, get married too and raise a couple of scrubs with. I think the reason JS7 was choked up on the podium was because he realised that Canard has the scrub down better than him. The way he jumps into the whoops front end high and then tyre taps the next couple is the kind of move you would cheat on his style with just because you know it would be filth in the bedroom. Come back Trey, we need you, the series needs you, Honda needs you, James Stewart needs you! At least he needs to be shown how to get things done.